Finding the Light

4 years ago I was affected by ill-health. And it all come one after the other with seemingly no end. From insomnia, to gluten-intolerance and bloatedness, to leg pain and super-sensitivity to sun light. The most heart-stricken of all is all these seem to strike at the heart of the all the things that I loved the most in life - I was a known narcoleptic (loved to lay back and sleep!), loved pastries and bread, loved to hike, nature and outdoors. In the span of 4 years I was reduced to having to hide indoors in darkness, covering up my face with broad hats whenever I go out, walking only short distances before the leg pain came again. When I was asked to give speeches I worry will I be able to stand for the whole time? Do I need to request a chair from the organizers? When I am going to any new place, even in doors I worry where should I should sit to best shield my face from the sunshine coming through the windows. And I would look at pastries that I liked but risked stomach pain if I would take it. And so that was my life.  

In the midst of all this, I wanted to find answers. Why has my life become like this? I seeked out Buddhism which was the closest religion to my family and seem to provide answers on how to cope and accept these experiences. I learnt from Buddhism the four noble truth: Life is suffering, Suffering comes from our desires/attachments, To stop suffering we must eliminate desire and attachments, The way to stop suffering is through the eightfold path or the middle way which encompasses recommendations of ways to take action in life, speak and to train the mind. Combined with the principle of Karma in Buddhism where our past actions have effect on our current conditions. I accepted my suffering as a result of my own actions in the past – but I could not stop asking myself what have I done that is so wrong in my past or past lives to deserve this? But I kept at the practice of Buddhism going for seminars and listening to esteemed monks. I tried to practice all the principles of Buddhism with my own effort. By that time, I was chanting daily in Pali, Sanskrit and even Chinese all by heart. I also tried meditation which gave a temporary feeling of floating in the air when done correctly. But this did not help with my health issues. I was still living in darkness.

So I was still seeking, I sought out alternative new age therapy to help with my health issues because whenever I seek western doctors they seem to think nothing was wrong with me and could not help me. This is when I found Cosmique touch which was a form of energy healing. The master would “open your chakra” so you can meditate more effectively. I practiced this form of energy healing which included meditation for about a year, and yes it seemed to help with my insomnia!! Even my leg got better!! I was ecstatic!! But it did not help with my sun sensitivity. So, I continued on higher levels of the energy healing and included the use of Tibetan singing bowl to help me.

But it all turned out for the worst after my trip to a Hotel in Macau. Suddenly I felt unwell, felt like vomiting had constant blurping around certain places, even around people close to me like my mother and husband. We sought the help of multiple spiritual masters, mediums, temple si fu, who all did a variety of rituals and “treatment” on me. But all helped for one or two days then I was back to being unwell. On the advise of the all the masters I chanted Buddhist mantras in the morning everyday, but that did not seem to help too. Contrary to that I could actually feel “somethings” gathering around me when I started to chant. Everything I had done by my own effort up to this point had not worked. By that time I was basically non-functional, I could not sleep, eat, stay around my house. I could also not pass certain places like altars (be it buddhist, Taoist, or even just a stone that has been worshiped) without feeling unwell. I could not pass any grave yards without feeling unwell too. With my most desperate plea I just shouted to the sky if there was God up there please help me.    

Then I was brought to see a Christian pastor on recommendation by my sister’s sister-in-law. As the pastor started to talk about Christ the savior, my palpitation and fever that I have been having all this time suddenly subsided. As he explained about Christianity in relation to other religions it seems to fit right in to what I have been experiencing. Buddha never said he was God, he was a man, though enlightened but not a Holy God and closer to the spirit realm than the Christian Holy God who is the light where no darkness can stand. I accepted Jesus as my savior that day. And the pastor gave me a well-used bible to start my journey of seeking a relationship with God the Lord.

I moved out of my house to a Christian friend’s house as the pastor strongly suggested I be prayed over on a regular basis. I thank my friend who out of her kindness of heart took me in my time of desperation. From that point my journey with the Lord began. When I first started to read the bible, I could not finish one chapter without retchng and vomiting. And every time I went to the church for worship I needed to bring a plastic bag because every time just worshipping the Lord I will retch and vomit. The retching and vomiting also happened whenever people prayed over me. And this went on for quite some time.

By that time, I had developed a routine of doing daily morning devotional time and prayer. And every morning I would retch and vomit. First, after I spoke certain verses from the bible, then during singing worship songs, then after my own prayers of cleansing. God put bible verses in my mind during those sessions though I have NOT read those chapter of the bible.

God was there every step of way. 

Then a sister in Christ came to pray for me. She led me through prayers that peeled away layers of emotional hurt and pain and to unburden them all onto the Lord. Then she led me to renunciation of all occult practices, after each renunciation I retched and vomited. At the end of the session, the sister asked if I had anything to ask God. I said yes! God when will I be healed? When I closed my eyes, there was happy music and a man in white robe dancing. We did not know the meaning of this, so the sister prayed for revelation from God. Then suddenly from above an angel surrounded by bright white and yellow light said "You are well". I would like to thank the sister for her selfless help.   
  
When I needed to move out of my friends place we searched desperately for a place that I could stay in that I would not feel unwell around. Unfortunately, we could not find any suitable place. I kept praying to God help me find a suitable place where I can live comfortably and where I can continue to worship you Lord. Then suddenly, my husband said he had contacted a pastor in Seremban who was willing to come bless our house so I can move back to stay in Seremban. That day when I entered the Seremban house, again the blurping started and I felt unwell, then the pastors started the pray over the house. After the prayers the blurping stopped. I am eternally thankful to my in-laws and the pastors who helped me and took me into their home when I had no where to go.

Only afterwards, I realized the pastors’ church was just behind my in-laws’ house, so near I could even walk to church. From that day onwards, I began my gradual recovery and learn how to grow in my relationship with God. I see God working everyday in my life, he is truly a living God. In contrast to Buddhism where you can only depend on your own efforts to gain merit into nirvana, here we have a living God that is with you every step of the way and hear our prayers and cries. And He answers those prayers! Where Buddhism was to idolized self-effort and human effort, God is the Holy God who you can depend on and who has power and authority over everything on heaven, earth and underneath earth. Every knee shall bow at His name.  

God has led me step by step. Even how I “found” my cell group is a testimony in itself of God’s perfect timing. The friends that I have meet that forms an important support group for me here in Seremban.

God open doors. For months I have been praying for this job in a research institution, but nothing seems to happen. Then one day I decided to just commit my future career to the Lord whatever his plans for me, open doors for me that you want me go through. God open the door for a PHD with scholarship and possibility of an academic position even.

God closes doors but open other doors. During my search for an appropriate English proficiency test, I was recommended Ielts. But the test seems incomprehensible to me with many subsections and all done manually with pencil and pens. I hesitated for one day and the test date for Ielts just filled up. I searched for alternatives of Toefl which had only 4 sections and was all done through computers which suited me much better.

God gives joy from the heart. We were put on earth not to suffer, but to seek a relationship with God, be blessed by him and be taught by him. The joy that comes from the heart is far cry from the apathy concept in Buddhism when we are encouraged to be detached from world’s joy even relationships with family. In contrast, in Christ we are abound in joy, pleasantness, kindness and fellowship with those around you. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future [Jeremiah 29:11]. 

Where Buddhism encourages to do good works, but there is a component of selfishness in that you will gain merit, it is very hard as a human not to have that feeling. But in Christ, you care for the people around you from the heart from sincerity because we are not seeking any “merit” in return.

Today my leg pain has almost all gone, I can go out in the sun and nature, I can eat all the pastries I want, I can sleep, I can read my bible and worship God without retching, I can pass altars and cemeteries without feeling unwell. Though I am still growing in my faith in Him and not completely back to what you can call “normal life” I know God is still working in my life and teaching me more and more how to grow in faith in him.